You could say I sit both comfortably and uncomfortably atop the pinnacle of tension--the point where Joy and Trepidation brush by one another, or hold hands, or occasionally even wage war.  Yet, it's not a strange seat.  I find it becoming more familiar with each passing day.

The scene.  Lubbock is a lot like Abilene.  In the sense that it's not too terribly large--rather dry and brown--and filled with people who are searching for someone like little ants after a bit of rain--scrambling and bumping, appearing simultaneously frenzied and nonchalant on their trek.

My roommates, for instance, are interesting people.  I find myself constantly assigning new meaning to who they are as individuals.  I like discovering them.  Jessica, who is 21 and an English major from Oklahoma Christian University, and I share a room--a tiny little slab of a thing at the back of our two-bedroom apartment.  Megan is 18, from San Antonio, and just graduated high school.

I like them both immensely.  Jessica's a bit shy at first and comes off as not the most confident person, but now that we're all settled in and more comfortable, she's ridiculously hilarious and quite assertive about her opinions.  She has a pink shirt with the republican elephant and democratic donkey facing one another with the words "Everyone poops," underneath them.  Bah ha.  I love it.

Megan on the other hand seems very confident in herself, yet I wouldn't describe her at all as arrogant.  She's very down-to-earth, honest and upfront, and for being so young, seems to have a fairly good grasp on who she is.  I admire her sturdiness and find it rather humorous that 2 or 3 different guys have brought her food (she's been sick) that they actually cooked themselves.  I at first took her for the kind of girl who things were easy for.  But as I slowly spend more time with her, I've found out a lot of things that I would never have guessed.  More than anything I respect her.  She's endured a lot and carries on without a drop of self-pity.

So yes.  I'm enjoying them, along with so many members of my class whom I'd love to (and probably will) rant about at some point throughout the next eight months of my training.     

The plot.  How is training?  Well, orientation was long and rather redundant.  I'm not used to having rules explained to me so many times anymore.  Nor am I used to people asking so many common sense questions like they did during our first few classes.  I am constantly reminded of how much older I am than the majority of the kids here (a whole lot of them are fresh out of high school) and that I need to be patient with the rate in which things are taking place.  It's just taking some re-adjusting.  

You know, initially, when I first envisioned myself coming to AIM, I only pictured all the learning and discoveries that would occur in the classroom.  For me.  Yet now, I have a feeling I may also play the role of teacher to some degree.  The students and even some of the professors lean towards the conservative side, which is something I'm finding I am no longer.  I feel within the very core of myself that I'm soon to be asking questions to get them all thinking about things in ways they're not really used to.  In fact, I'm actually looking forward to it.  

However, please don't get me wrong.  I don't think I'm better than anyone here, nor am I trying to take this lofty position by looking down on my classmates for their youth/ignorance.  I intend to ask people what they believe for their (and my) edification.  Another recent discovery.  Something I got into the habit of doing at ACU, and something I see as direly important to our lives as Christians.  If you only ever follow the system of beliefs you were handed down without questioning those beliefs... well, it doesn't exactly enable you to have a better relationship with God, does it?  Rather, it has been my experience that trusting others' thoughts over your own only provides you a relationship with yourself--you obey some pretty subjective rules, maybe even believe you're a good person for keeping them, but you really only remain on the peripheral side, on the outskirts.  You really only answer to you because you don't know the why.  You don't understand why certain things are wrong, (in the innermost chamber of your  heart that no one sees), yet you're willing to fight to the death if someone argues against you.  At some point, you begin to feel empty and that this can't be love because shouldn't love be more than making sure a person doesn't clap/play instruments during service?  Shouldn't it be more than always pointing a finger or shoving feelings of doubt about your own salvation into the pit of your being?  Eventually, you cross your own lines--break your own rules--and take on the role of the hypocrite, holding on for dear life to those old rules.  Because they give you some semblance of identity, even if you can't always obey them.  They're old and comfortable.  Maybe one day you'll be able to miraculously obey them.

This was me.  Before I went to ACU and learned that nothing in life is black and white, that what Jesus came to preach is love rather than law.  Before I learned to question everything.  Now, it's about coming up with questions.  And sharing them--because they're a gift really--with people who have never been asked.  Who don't know what they believe.  Who don't know to question.

Internal monologue.  I would be a liar if I said I knew and loved God as I do my own father.  Or that I have unfailing faith or that I am the best person for the job that I'm up for.  It would even be a lie to say that I have every bit of confidence that I won't let God down as I pursue this whole missionary apprentice thing.

But man, I have a lot of hope.  I believe that when people can collectively get to the stage where they're questioning, then lots of things can happen.  Community can form.  Foundations can be constructed.  Walls can be fortified.  And great heights can be reached.

I want this for my classmates here, and I will do what I can to bring it about.  It all, of course, is in God's hands.

In closing, I ask that you please pray for me.  That in my day to day life, I will learn to be humble and that I will always do every act out of love.  And I also ask that, even though what I've talked about here has been on my mind all week, that you pray for me to see other things that I am not even focused on.  Other things that are equally important and unknown to me.

Please pray for my classmates as well, my professors, just all the Christians here at Sunset, that we can all try to do our best here and make the most of this opportunity.

With all of my love,

Casey