Maybe it's because they've only ever been for me--containers for my thoughts/ramblings/fears/secrets, etc.  They've never had more of a purpose than being for my own personal pleasure, which is sometimes not really worth the effort.  A blog is somewhat different.  I've had one for a few years now and various people have read it, leaving comments every now and again, mostly about my travels.  But when the comments became fewer and far between, I stopped again, thinking that people just didn't have time to read or probably they just didn't really care anymore.

I haven't written in this one since September, and having come home for the first time since AIM began, I've had a few people ask me why I haven't posted anymore updates.  They were beginning to wonder about me, and one of my friends had contemplated whether or not I had died.  (Not seriously.  Just possibly).    

(I'm not dead, Mark).  

Quite the contrary, I feel very different than I have in a really long while.  Would it be cliché to say I feel enlivened?  

I'll be cliché then.

I feel like somewhere during the last three months in Lubbock another chapter of my life started.  I suppose it could have been when I first arrived, or when I settled in, or when I realized that there were things in life that could make one happy for more than just a few days or a week.  It also could have been last weekend, a weekend I've kind of labeled in my memory as The Weekend of Revelation--when I became aware of the fact that I don't trust God and I'm not sure I ever really have.

Perhaps all of these things have resulted in a culmination of a new chapter.  I don't know, and it doesn't matter.  But all of this to say, this new chapter finds me in a state of want: wanting purity, to stop cheating on things like my writing and keeping up with friends and.. and God.  So many times I've cheated on him, I'm exasperated with myself.

I don't know if this feeling will enable me to now become a consistent person.  If I'll be able to write faithfully or keep up with people like I'd like to or even begin trusting God as I should.  But I want to try.  Mentally, I'm slapping my jeans and clouds of dust are falling.  Jesus is giving me a hand up while David plays his lyre and Paul shouts "Preach the word!"  Truly, this moment has the potential to be a very trumpet-sounding, morning-breaking kind of moment.

If it weren't for the insipid fear that I may fail horribly at all of these things, most importantly, at the third, and this whole "chapter" would be scornfully laughed at by Satan.  Blast you, fear.

But.  I have something of an idea.  This entry is to function as a kind of pledge to anyone who reads it, (hopefully, many friends), that I will post an entry at least every two weeks.  In doing so, I will inevitably be keeping up with my writing and with all you dear people.  But of utmost importance, I hope that my keeping up with God will manifest itself in these entries so that you all will be encouraged as you (or in order that you) also keep up with God.

I really want to be an encourager.  I have felt so much of this from so many of the people at AIM, and I've realized what a great blessing it is to have brothers and sisters around who are positive, who are willing to help me through whatever it is I need help with, who are in the same frame of mind as me.  Community is one of the greatest things God gave us.  And I want to appreciate it to the greatest degree that I can--by writing and sharing.

For those of you whom I haven't talked to in a while, I do apologize, and I hope that you'll forgive me and see this blog as my way of wanting to keep up with you.  It really is the only way I could "talk" to everyone I want to talk with.  I love you all, and I encourage you to leave comments.  If you have a blog yourself, please send me the address!

For better, for worse,

Casey